The Abyss

2009-07-08 It Comes 026Hello, old friend. I’m afraid I’ve not missed you. Well, maybe a little. You’ve been around so long, you’re like a part of me. Maybe it’s a part I try to hide, try to ignore, or even try to change, but you are a part of me, a part of who I am.

I’ve spent so much of my life thinking of you. Yes, usually with a little sadness, and maybe a taste of regret. I think of opportunities missed and time lost. I think of things that I could have done if maybe I didn’t have to deal with you. I think of who I might be if you were never part of my life. But then I think, well, who would I be? What if I had never known you exist?

I suppose I could have been someone bigger. Or, well, smaller, actually. Yeah, I bet I wouldn’t have a weight problem without you. I could have been more successful in my life. I could have made money, I could have had a wonderful relationship and children and a beautiful home. I could have had so many things I don’t have. What have you done for me, really? You’ve held me back when I was on moving forward. When things were going well, you showed up and made everything fall apart. You took me away from my friends and my family; you took me away from the things i enjoyed doing; you took me away from the things that made me who I am. I do things that I know are bad for me, things that hurt me. But I can’t help myself. Not when you’re here. You’ve left scars behind. Just when I think they’ve healed, you come around and they open up again.

2010-07-15 Clouds 006aMaybe it’s not all bad. I mean, because of you, I’ve learned how to spend time with myself. That is a valuable skill, really. People don’t always want to do what I want to do, so I have to be comfortable being alone at times. I can eat out at a restaurant alone just fine. I don’t have a problem going to a movie by myself. I can even take short trips solo. It gets old, but I can. I suppose you gave me that. The worst part, I think, is you are, in part, responsible for my more creative moments. Some of my best writing happened when you were around. Some of my favorite photographs happened when you were with me.

But it’s fleeting. It’s only at the beginning, when the world gets brighter and louder. Before long, I’m back in my hole, waiting for you to leave. I wish you would go away forever. You won’t. You can’t, I suppose. As sure as the earth goes around the sun, you will be back.

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